DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
