508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize