Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize