I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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