There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
