I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
