I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize