I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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