First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize