sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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