nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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