Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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