My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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