I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think my vagina is haunted
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
