The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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