My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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