I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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