i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
