Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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