i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I need a beard to bite.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
