oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
