I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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