hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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