i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
