Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
