I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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