is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
