The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
