I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
