I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
