I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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