I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
