Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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