He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
