I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
