Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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