let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
