the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i believe in u and ur pee
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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