Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
