I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
