You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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