Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
