Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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