Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
