Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
