everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
