I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
