PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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