i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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