Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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