Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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