We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
