i already hear my dad disowning me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
