he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
