I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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