mondays should just be called national damage control day
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
