I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
