I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
