If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
