I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
