i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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