good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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