my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
