just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i out mim tonsoeep
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
